I am me

I am me. 

In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. 

Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it -- I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. 

Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. 

I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know -- but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me. However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me.

If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. 

I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things around me. 

I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. 

I am me, 

and I am Okay.

-Virginia Satir

Thinking Positive

Well....there is no way I could say that the last month has been easy.

I got a job at Uhaul.  After the first day, I was done.  I guess I've been kinda spoiled in all the other jobs I've had, even though serving was hard - I like it and didn't dread going to work everyday.  Uhaul just sucked from the beginning.  So I quit that one after a day.  Which helped because Laura's boyfriend hurt his back and I got to nanny the baby for about a month.

Then I got a job at Panera Bread.  I guess I didn't realize that technically Panera is fast food.  I've never worked fast food.  And this past week I learned why.  It sucked!  I'm not afraid of hard work but being one person responsible for the work of three is just ridiculous.  Especially for minimum wage.  So after 3 days of training, I respectfully handed back my hat.

Wednesday I start work at the Hallmark store in the mall.  Pays the same as Panera but doesn't require me to run myself ragged for nothing.  I also filled out an application at Applebee's so if I can work both, I'll be making some decent money before I head back to Oregon.

Yes, I'm going back to Oregon and I plan on staying there until something else might come up.  Looking into heading back the beginning of February but right now that's still speculative.  I'm just trying to work on one thing at a time.

 

I miss...

The seasons - it's still too humid here
My friends - Danielle, Kenny, Kole, Stephen, everyone from Mcgrath's, everyone from Macy's
The park
The food
The beer
The parties
Girl's night
The mountains
The coast
The trees
The bike paths

After all this time I finally feel like I know where I belong. Now to just get back there....

Paul Oakenfold!!!

One year

A year ago I was on the road back to Oregon. I wanted to get back there for the Halloween party I had been invited to. I have a costume now, but I'm not sure I have any friends to go out and celebrate with. :( I'm gonna try but we'll see.

I'm sure by now everyone knows how much I miss it. I try to not talk too much about it but it was my life for the last year. And I felt more myself that year than I have for most of my life. I'm going back. Probably in the spring.

I still have no job though. So I guess what I need to figure out is how badly and how soon I really want to go back. Any work is good work when applied to an attainable goal. Tomorrow is my step to that goal. Universe....I'm talking to you. Get me back there.

Job, gym and pairing down. My short term goals.

Ready, go.....

Trying...

hard to be optimistic but something needs to happen and SOON because I just might start to go crazy.

I need to go back. :(

Armin Van Buuren!

Sooo amazing...

BT was AMAZING!!!

Sorry

I feel bad that I haven't really written anything in a few days.  I'm still getting used to what I did, the length of the trip and what my next move might be.  Sometimes I think we make things more difficult for ourselves.  Or we let other people make things more difficult on us when we should really be the ones to decide.

The trip was a lot of fun.  Definitely different than if I was traveling by myself.  Dad didn't put a cramp in my traveling style, but he did influence it.  I didn't end up alone in a hotel room with only my thoughts and feelings.  And even though I am a very careful driver, any time I even thought about touching my cell phone, he got nervous.  

Right now I'm still catching up on my beauty sleep, lol.  I'm still unpacking, re-arranging and trying to figure out my next move.  I love my family and my niece is amazing but....I'm just not sure it's enough to keep me here.  I dunno, we'll see I guess.

In the meantime, I need to find a job and build my savings back up.  Not going to be able to go anywhere with no money.  

Eventually I'll find the energy to post pictures and give a more entertaining blog on how the trip went.  

Sweet dreams everyone. 

On the road...

I think I was too busy worrying about what would and wouldn't fit into the trailer that the fact that I was leaving, well....it never really registered.  Not until the next day.  I'm not really sure what the universe has in store for me over the next year, but if nothing huge really happens....I'm moving back.  I'm sure most people (as my parents did) will wonder why I'm going back to PC to begin with.  And unfortunately I don't really have a good answer, other than I felt it was time.

We put a full day of driving in today and I'm getting a little too sleepy to give a descriptive run-down but our travels have basically been:

Tuesday ~ Eugene, OR to Seattle, WA (Waterfront and Space Needle)
Wednesday ~ Seattle, WA to Spokane, WA (Triple D restaurant - Picabu Bistro)
Thursday ~ Spokane, WA to Billings, MT (Chinese delivery, lol) 

Tomorrow we're slated to make it to Rapid City and we'll probably stay there at least a day, if not two.  (Dad has lots to show me.) :)

Well, I'm going to log off for now.  Hope everyone is doing good.

Night!

 

Sad

Second to last night in Eugene. :(

Ugh...

So of course, 5 days before I'm set to leave Oregon, I meet a really cute, funny and interested guy at the bar.  Go figure....

Had a great time drinking a few drinks with Danielle after her shift at the fish house.  Sat next to these two guys playing Thursday night trivia and BAM.  Suddenly we became part of their team.  It was amazing.  And yet just another PRO on the pro/con list of coming back up here. 

Mom has been asking me if I really and truly want to leave at all.  And I keep thinking about it. I just wish my family would move up here.  That would solve all my problems, lol.

I have girlfriends here for dance night.  There are concerts, bbq's, festivals, the coast and if all else fails....my beloved Alton Baker park.

I don't regret making my decision to move back home.  At the time I made it, I felt like I was doing the right thing.  I'm still excited to go back.  But I'm also starting to feel guilty at the fact that I feel just as excited (if not more) at the thought of moving back up here.  

I don't know what opportunities might present themselves when I go back home.  So, of course, I don't want to over think things.  And maybe I'm just having cold feet.  I just hate that at this stage of the game, I'm having these bittersweet feelings.

Eugene Emeralds Baseball Game

UNCONTAINABLE EXCITEMENT!!!

BT is going to be playing in Panama City Beach September 22!!

I am so excited I can hardly contain myself *giggle*

And there's NO ONE I can share it with right now because everyone is sleeping, lol.

So, before I try and get to sleep, here's my new favorite song of his:

Home Stretch

So I now have less than a week to get my room packed.  Sleeping on the bean bag bed has been interesting, lol.  It's very comfy.  More so than an air mattress.  And I think I'm going to enjoy that it's convertible.  I purchased the ultra plushy bed protector but because I won't be here to receive it, I sent it to FL.

I'm slowly but surely getting everything bagged and packed.  I should have my closet done by the end of the day today.  Going to bag up my dresser clothes tomorrow and start on sorting the odds and ends.  Yesterday I bought a new Road Atlas at the store along with some new windshield wipers and misc. stuff.  Sometime this week I'll also go and get the oil changed. 

I'm still hanging in there, emotionally.  Still really going to miss it here.  Still thinking about coming back.  More than likely after the rainy season, lol.  

Planning on doing some more sight-seeing this week as well.  Friend of mine and I are talking about going down to the Oregon Caves so we'll see.  I'm also looking into going to what they call the Blue Pool, officially known as Tamolitch.  I don't think it's that far so we'll see and of course I'll take tons of pictures. :)

Back to Basics

So, I'm feeling a lot better since my last post and here's why....

I went back to my roots.  I reminded myself of the notion that doing things alone is not always a problem.  I listened to my gut/instinct/intuition and decided to strike out on my own, like I had been doing for a while there.

It was the best thing for me today.

I headed to Proxy Falls.  I first fell in love with the falls more than 10 years ago when I had been searching for a new computer desktop wallpaper.  A quick search of waterfalls lead me to this amazingly beautiful (but obviously enhanced) picture of a fall.  After a little research, I found out where it was.  In 2002 I flew up to Oregon to visit Andrew after he had left Panama City to go to college at the U of O.  I never had a chance to get to the falls but promised myself that if I could ever make the trip up again, I would.

Well, since my time here in Oregon is fastly coming to a close, I packed a backpack, grabbed my camera and headed out on an adventure.  And I am SO glad I went by myself.  

It was breathtaking.  Very spiritual.  And it calmed me.  

I have lots of pictures posted on Facebook so hop on over there and take a look.

My new motto now is 'Back to Basics' and I need to remember that when others can't join in my adventure (or don't want to) I can always have fun and find a little self-therapy on my own.  :)

Hope all is well.  Only 10 more days til Dad's here!!

 

*Feelings Alert*

I feel unwanted and insignificant at this very moment....

Today I was invited to go somewhere, thinking it would only be a day event.  Imagine my surprise when the probability of staying the night landed on my shoulders, to be passively pressured to make the decision to stay.  I didn't want to stay the night....I didn't bring anything with me that would make staying the night comfortable.  I didn't know that staying the night was going to a possibility or else I probably wouldn't have gone.  I have nothing against the person who took me, or the pressurers wanting us to stay.  But I now feel like the bad guy for wanting to leave.  To go home and sleep in my own bed where I can take my contacts out, brush my teeth and feel comfortable....

And then I get home to the 'snugglies', watching a show (that I thought we were watching all together) without me.  Generally I wouldn't care.  But I already feel like the 3rd wheel with them and after having almost been brow-beaten into a situation I didn't want, well....it hit me in a strange way.

It's nights like this that make me ache for my family.  To feel like I belong.  That my thoughts, feelings and opinions matter.  To be free to speak my emotional mind without retaliation or the hurting of feelings...

I need a hug.  I need someone in my immediate vicinity to care.  I need someone to rub my hair and tell me everything will be ok.  


 

Friday!

My first day free of work responsibilities and it was a full one.

Sleeping has gotten to be an issue so by the time I was out, it had to have been 2am.  Regardless, I was up and awake around 10 this morning.  Decided to get things done and boy did I, lol.

Made an appointment for both a haircut and a massage.  Called to get information about packing paper.  Washed the car.  Got my hair cut.  Ran to the bank to deposit my last tips.  Picked up packing paper.  Took a book to the park and layed out to read for at least 3 hours.  Went to the fair to see the All American Rejects play...

And now here I am, planning my day for tomorrow.  

I'm thinking about going to the Saturday market.  Roomies and I are planning on going to see Weird Al Yankovic at the fair tomorrow evening and then probably going out dancing tomorrow night.  :)  

I purchased a replacement bed for when I sell my mattress.  (It's a bean bag that the insides fold out to form a bed.  Super awesome!)  And then all the furniture I had set out to sell will be gone.  Monday, before my massage appointment, I plan to start packing up all the clothes and breakables that I'm not going to need.  Dad will be here in 15 days and I feel like those are going to sky rocket by....

Leaving Eugene is going to be uber hard.  Comparing this city to Panama City is actually no comparison at all.  If it weren't for my family and new niece, I wouldn't be leaving.  And eventually, even though I love my family to death, even they will not be able to keep me in one place for very long.  I sooth the pain of leaving Oregon with the reassurance that life is not written in stone and that I can always move back up here. :)

 

Exhausted....

already and I've only worked two days. 

I think I have enough boxes.  I have all of the pieces-parts for my trailer hitch.  Plans and what-not are starting to come together and I'm diligently trying to cram together everything I can in the time and space I have until I leave.

I have already, tentatively, decided that if things are favorable next year that I would, without a doubt, move back up here to Eugene.  I guess I could liken it to a black hole.  But without the black or the hole, lol.  It's just a really cool place to live and hang out.  I can see why people gravitate here.  

On the flip side, I do miss my family.  I uncontrollably miss my dog.  It's so strange about the bonds that you can form with pets.  I love her like a child (she's spoiled like one too) and I can't wait to see her.  

As of now, there are only 18 days until my Dad's arrival.  That seems like it's going to go by fast.

I don't feel apprehensive about moving back home.  But I think that's only because I keep telling myself that it will only be for a little while.  I do want to be there for my sister and niece.  But I can't stay in PC to 'raise' her.  I'm not her mother.  And I've decided that if I keep my belongings down, than I can move at the drop of a hat anywhere I'd like.  With serving/waitressing experience under my belt, along with several other trades, I think I should be quite ok.

If only I could be in two places at once.....I guess that's why airplanes were invented.  :P

Hope everyone is doing well!  PC people, I will see you soon. :)

 

And away we go!

Busy weekend this weekend.  

Friday I hung out at the park for a little bit.  That seems to be the thing I do when I'm not working or straightening my room.  Plus it's free and a great alternative to shopping (which ISN"T free, lol.)  I should be pretty darn tan by the time I get back to FL.

Saturday morning I just kinda bummed around the house until a friend of mine called to see if I wanted to head over to Crescent, OR to where her parents own a motel.  We each backed a bag in case we decided to stay and took her brand new car.  The drive there was beautiful and we arrived around 5pm.  After hanging out with her parents and some of the motel tenants we decided to stay the night.  A bon fire was started up in the back yard and we sat around eating steamed oysters and drinking beer.  I'll admit, I had 3.  But I couldn't bring myself to eat any more than that, lol.  I think they are something that you either love or can't do.  

This morning we helped her mom clean a few rooms before we got on the road.  On the drive back she offered to stop at one of the waterfalls we pass and we got a few pictures.  I don't have them on photobucket yet but they are on my facebook if you're interested in looking.  After driving that way and reviewing the map, I think dad and I might have time to swing down to Crater Lake.  It's less than a 3 hour drive.....I'll have to ask him.

So this evening I've just been recouping and getting laundry ready for my next 4 days of work.  Only 2 more weeks....or technically, 8 more days of working for me.  

I've also sold a few more pieces of furniture today.  My bookshelf and night stand are gone.  Only two things left to go are the tv stand and my bed.  Hopefully I can get this stand gone soon.  I have a couple of friends interested in the bed so we'll see. :)

Hope everyone is doing well!  

 

Rework in progress....

Bare (bear?) with me while I fiddle with my layout....

Might change a few times.  

A Smidge of Progress

So the cleaning and sorting begins!

The first 'look through' and Goodwill drop off has occurred.  Tomorrow I will be transferring my TV to my dresser (which I've decided to keep) and advertise my TV stand, bookshelf and end table for sale.  Even though I have 30 days until Dad gets here, I have a feeling that it's going to go by quickly....

Yesterday I turned in my notice at the restaurant.  My last day is the 16th.  I made my last rent payment today.  I also ordered my trailer hitch, wiring and hitch ball.  

I'm going to miss this town.  I spent at least 3 hours today laying on a blanket, in the sun, in the park reading a book.  I will miss that.  I'll miss that today didn't get higher than 85 degrees and there was an amazing breeze.  The trees are so green which makes the sky look so much bluer.  It is truly gorgeous in this part of the country.

I'm sure I've said it before and I will probably say it again.....Moving away is going to be very bitter-sweet.
 
Maybe someday Oregon will call me back. ;)

(If only I could get my family to move up here, haha)

Bad Faerie!

Faerieworlds!!

PS.

Postings will probably begin to become more frequent due to the sudden barrage of feelings.  

This is where things could start to get interesting, lol. ;)

Counting Down...

Lately I find myself counting down the "days til departure."

21 days until my last day at work.  37 days until I'm picking up dad from the Portland airport.

I've realized that the only couple I've ever been or probably ever will be 100% comfortable living with is my parents.  My current home life isn't horrible, but just like everything else, it has it's ups and downs.  Honestly, after months of being here, I'm starting to feel like a 3rd wheel.  And I'm second guessing myself on a lot of things.  


I will miss the weather....well, some of the weather.  I will miss the bike paths and the river.  The beer, parties and festivals around town.  The food.  The pacific coast being only an hour away.  The trees, grass and the way the dirt smells.  The expressways.


But as great as those all are, they can't hug me.  And genuinely want me around just for being me.


I'm in a strange place.  Emotionally, maybe?  Psychologically? Spiritually?  I haven't quite been able to pin point it.  


I just know that I'm ready to go home.  If just for a while.  

Year in Review

So here we are....One year after I set off to 'find myself'.  

And I think it's safe to officially announce that I will be heading back to Florida in September.

I've had the most amazing time here in the Pacific Northwest.  Over the next month and a half I'm going to be cramming in as many things as I can.  Dad will be flying out on Sept. 1 and then we will be on our way home.  

:)

Contemplative...

So, I've been here in PC for about 5 days now.  My little niece is the cutest baby I've seen ever and it's going to be extremely hard to fly away from her and my family.  


The weather here has been hot, but strangely nice.  I enjoy knowing that every day there are hardly any clouds in the sky.  The temperature is not 60 degrees.  I feel like it was time for some sun.  I think mom and I are going to head to the beach tomorrow to chill and swim.  

It was strange to be here at first.  But now, when I think about going back to OR....I think it will be strange to be there.  


I feel like I'm going to be doing a lot of thinking in the next few weeks....

My niece!!

Oh me oh my.....

Vacation time is starting to sink in and I'm getting to the excited point where it's hard to get to sleep.  Plus I have a few new fav songs that I've been jammin' to all night in my headphones.  I can't wait to get the PC Posse together and go dancing.  It'll be interesting to see if the clubs down there have gotten any better with their music selection.

And I'll be an aunt in 4 days.  3 I suppose, since it's technically the 25th already.  For the most part, I have all the clothes I'd like to take in the suitcase.  Now I just need to go through and pare it down.  I have the dog semi-trained (as trained as she's going to get) to get into her travel bag.  I think I may be most nervous about the trip because I'll have her with me.  I don't want to be that annoying person with the loud and cranky child.  We'll see I guess.  

So I work all day tomorrow.  I finish up laundry and errands during the first half of Tuesday and then I'm off to Portland by 7pm to catch my flight.  And then I'm into Panama City at 8:30am Wednesday morning.  Then to the hospital Thursday for B-day.

Whew!  I can't wait. :)

2 Weeks and counting...

So, in two weeks, I will be an aunt.  I wish so much to be there right now helping Laura out in everything she needs to do before the baby comes.  I was hoping I would get at least a good week of just me and her time but the baby has other plans.  

Right now I've just been working and hanging out.  Trying to do everything that's free to save money for my trip.  I've also picked up extra shifts for extra spending.  

The weather here right now is bi-polar and can't decide whether it wants to rain and be icky or if the sun wants to come out and shine.  Right now it's just over-cast.  Yesterday it reached 80 and I honestly turned the AC on.  How in the world am I going to acclimate back to 100 degrees?  lol

Well, I need to get off here and go get ready for work.  Can't wait to see family and friends and my new little peanut.  

I hope everyone else is doing well. :)

Ugh...

Wednesday doubles kick my a$$!

My whole body hurts. :(

Objects with meaning....

Emotional confession...

When I miss my dad, I always wear the little gold heart he got me a long time ago and it makes me feel better.

I have it on now. :)

...

This is why I was never really good at diaries.  I would write in one religiously for weeks and then all of the sudden stop.  Part of me knows that I've slowed down writing because I'm not out on the road, blogging about my adventures.  A small part of me really has nothing to say.  And the other part of me has all kinds of thoughts and ideas through out the day, I just get tired and lazy by the time I get home and either can't remember them or don't feel like writing.

I miss mom on her day.  I miss following the parade of homes and then getting together for an evening meal.  I worked today and made sure to wish every women I served a Happy Mother's Day.  

The weather here is definitely starting to change and it's amazing.  The only un-amazing part is that now I have to work to support myself and can't bike ride everyday like I'd like to.  (stupid job)  So for now I'm just trying to fit a few days in of the park or biking and I'm picking up as many shifts as I can to save money for the trip back home the end of June.  I can't wait to see the fam and meet my new little niece.  

I hope everyone is doing good and only a month and a half and I'll be back to visit. :)
 

The day after...

I haven't posted in so long that even Blogger has changed things on me, lol.  Trying to figure out the new set-up they have.

The only thing that's really changed since I last posted is that I am now another year older.  It's odd how every birthday I expect to actually feel older, but I don't.  I'd like to feel wiser.  I'd like to feel like I know what I'm doing with my life, but I don't.  

Arizona was interesting/fun/hot.  I got to meant my roomie's parents and see a few of the sights but I was only there for a couple of days and couldn't fit much into the schedule.  I've been working at the restaurant.  It's been getting easier but it's still tough work.  The tips make it worth it though. 

And I still wonder what I'm doing with my life.  I'm starting to feel a pull again, to some other destination, but I also realize that sometimes my feelings are fickle and when I speak on them, people get hopeful.  

To be honest, I'm ready for another adventure.  The mundane of everyday life has taken it's toll and I'm feeling ready to press on.  The weather here hasn't really been cooperating in terms of bike riding.  It's still cloudy and rainy most days.  I've been out every so often for drinks with random guys but I'm still undecided if I want to get serious enough to stay here.  

I miss the sun.  

I'm hoping that soon I can strap my new bike carrier (that I bought myself for my birthday) to my car and head to the park.  I try to get there any day that it's even remotely nice or that I don't have to work.

I suppose I feel a little melancholy because of the whole birthday thing.  

In a few weeks, it will be one whole year since I flew up here to visit Andrew.  Where did the year go?  Why does it go by so quickly?  There were so many changes and ups-and-downs.  

I really feel like I need to compromise with myself on what I want.  Geographically, emotionally, familyally.  

At the end of the day, I just want to be happy.  And when there's no sun, no biking, nothing extraordinary that I love about Eugene.....I just want to be back home with family. 

Happy Easter!

Well everyone, life should get a little less crazy and the weather should be getting a lot nicer. :)

Friday was my official last day at Macy's.  Yeah!!  Nothing wild and crazy happened.  Hasn't really sunk in yet but I'm sure in the next week or so it will.  McGrath's has been good.  It can still get crazy but I'm getting better at time management and carrying heavy trays.  And going home everyday with cash is amazing!

I'm headed to Arizona for a few days with my roomie Danielle.  April 19-22 and it should be loads of fun. :)  Then I'll get back and just work, work, work until it's time to head to FL for the birth.  Tickets are bought and I'm going to be there for just a smidge over 2 weeks.  June 27 through July 12.  I can't wait to see everyone. :)

Hope all is well with everyone out there and Happy Easter!

Two Week Notice

So today I printed out a 2 week notice to hand into Macy's tomorrow.  I worked a 4 hour shift tonight and O.M.G. I was bored out of my mind.  I also did not walk away with any cash in my pocket like I do at McGrath's so needless to say, I will be concentrating more time over there.  It was also getting irritating trying to mesh the two.  Plus, when I work at both, I rarely get a day off.  Now I can work about 4-5 days a week, pull a double if I'm feeling spry, and make just as much in cash as I would at Macy's.

It snow several inches the other day and had the whole town on the fritz.  My roomie had fun making a snow woman on our front lawn and last night a few of us headed over to McGrath's to roll a snow man on the porch.  It was a lot of fun!  I posted some great pictures on facebook if you wanna check it out.

Other than that I've just been working and sleeping.  Possibility of going to Arizona next month with Danielle to visit her family.  Just depends on ticket prices and if I can get the time off.  Alligient Air runs non-stop flights to several western locations at a pretty decent price so if I can get something for a couple hundred bucks I think it'll be a lot of fun.  I also need to keep looking into my ticket back to PC for June but I'm holding out until April 2 when Laura goes for her next dr appt.  If the baby is on track than my plan is to fly down on Wed the 27 and back on Wed the 11.  I guess we'll see how that goes.  Babies are never usually that predictable. 

I hope everyone is doing well. :)

Mom's Visit

The only negative thing I could say about her visit was that I wish the weather had been a little more cooperative.  She did get to experience the array while she was here.  And then it snowed the day after she left, lol.

What didn't we do while she was here?!?  :)  Well, we did want to go to Crater Lake but because of the time of year, the rim roads were closed.  I guess that just means she'll have to come back.

We had a great time in the redwoods.  It's fun to go with someone who hasn't seen them before.  They are really indescribable in person.  You know they're going to be big....but then when you're standing next to one, you understand why they're so cool.  She also got her fill of driving Route 101.  In Oregon and in California. 

OH!  And the food!!  Most all of my blog readers are my facebook friends so you were able to 'eat' along with us. :)  I love the food up here.  True, there are a few dishes and drinks that I miss back home, but for the most part, the ones here make up for it. 

This seems like it's going to be such a busy year.  Already I've been to Vegas and had mom up here to visit.  The end of June I'm headed back home to hopefully witness the birth of my new niece.  My 7 year bike accident anniversary is this Sunday.  Can you believe it??  7 years ago....

Anyway...tangent, lol, sorry.  I would love for some to come visit in the summer/fall.  It's going to be an awesome one.  And maybe for the holidays, I can somehow make it back home. 

Danielle and I are planning on having a combined b-day party this year.  Hers is April 30 and mine is May 2.  Watch out world for that party, lol. 

The more I work at McGrath's the more bored I am at Macy's.  I was doing the math the other day and I think it's actually costing me to work at Macy's b/c of all the s*&t I've been buying there.  Things to think about, lol. 

So....other than all that, I'm doing good.  I miss having mom here.  I miss all my friends and family back home.  I wish PC had to offer what Eug does. 

PC!!  Do away with the humidity and build a f-ing awesome bike path!!  hehehe

Whew!

Ok, so I got to the blog a little late tonight and I'm exhausted so I'm not going to post everything but I'll touch on the key points. :)

Las Vegas was a lot of fun. :)  I won some, I lost some.  Had a great visit with my family.  Missed those who could not make it.  Always ready for another vacation, lol.

I started a new job last week as a server for a regional fish restaurant.  Never served before and it's lots to remember.  Not to mention that the menu is extensive!  Today marked day 6 of training and I'll be a pro before you know it!  I've also, so far, kept my Macy's job so between the two of them I haven't had much time to relax.  Mom is coming on Friday for a whole week and that will be my time to vacation.  I took the week off from Macy's, just hoping Mcgrath's will let me have it off as well.  I know I've reminded the manager enough times. 

So that's basically it in a nut shell.  The weather is bipolar in that one day it'll be nice and sunny and the next it will rain all day.  They tell me that's normal.  As long as I can squeeze a little sun in there. :) 

There will be lots of pictures coming when mom gets here.  Not going to be able to make it to Crater Lake but definitely headed to the redwoods.  That reminds me, I need to get the few Vegas pictures I took up here. 

Alright, well, I'm very very sleepy and I have another long day ahead of me tomorrow.  Good night. :)

Super Busy!!

I've been super busy lately but will post lots tonight!  :)

Happy VD!!

One More Week

And I'll be preparing to board a plane to VEGAS!!  I am so excited for a vacation, for Vegas and of course, to see my family!  The only thing that would make it complete is if my sister could come.  So much for working in the travel industry during spring break. :(

Other than that, not too much to report.  I'm working and settling into my new hours at work.  A position at the restaurant my roomie works at is possibly opening up and to further my working repertoire I'm going to put in an application.  Would love to someday work up to bartender and it will also broaden my people-meeting horizons because now I'm not finding many eligible bachelors perusing through the kids dept at Macy's. 

I am slowly developing a coat fetish and now own more different types of coats than I ever have in my life.  Water proof is the big thing here, along with water proof shoes.  The weather doesn't get to me as much as it did, but that could be because I'm now armed with the right defense. 

The dog got a hair cut the other day and she looks adorable and is completely fuzzy.  :)  I'm so glad I have her here. 

Laura found out she is having a girl (so excited!) and the baby clothes shopping extravaganza has commenced.  I need to wrangle it in but when I can get an adorable 4 piece set for $3.....I can't pass it up!

I hope everyone is well. :)

Life....

Life is....

simple, hard, complex, confusing, exhilarating, scary, fun, short, painful, joyful, happy, sad, etc.....

And I have no answers.  Not a single one.  I, like everyone else, make it through life one day at a time, dealing and processing the information I have then.  My mind changes.  Situations change.  Life changes. 

I wish I had an instruction manual.  Or better yet!  A choose-your-own-adventure book.  How easy it would be to just flip ahead in the book to see what choice leads to what outcome?!?! 

I hurt tonight because someone I love got snide with me about my last post.  I don't know what I'm doing here.  But I know EXACTLY what I would be doing there.  And it's safe and familiar and comforting...but it's the same thing every day.  I want to take chances and see new things and have new experiences while I can.  Maybe the loneliness I felt last month has subsided.  Maybe I'm beginning to realize that I can do this. 

Right now, right here in this moment...I want to be here in Oregon. 

Unsure

Not sure what direction I want my life to go in.

Now that the holidays are over and I'm getting more hours at work, things seem normal.  I've got a great group of friends and seem busy almost every night. 

This might break hearts, but I'm unsure now if I'm ready to go back to PC in June. :(

I love you my family.  I feel torn....

Lush...

It's almost 3am and all I can think about right now is a dirty martini, extra dirty with olives. Maybe some spicy pickled green beans.

Yummy.....

My followers....

I kinda feel bad that I'm not writing as much as I used to.  For a while there I had something to say everyday.  And now, not so much.

I wish I was having wild and crazy adventures.  Instead I'm working, sleeping and partying with friends.  Which in themselves could be mini adventures I suppose.  I recently had a small falling out with a friend and so that's been weighing on my mind.  I'm getting lonely.  Thinking about starting to answer craigslist ads for a girlfriend, lol.  At least it's free.  Unlike Match.com and those other sites. 

I still stay up late at night and sleep in late during the day.  Unless, of course, if I have to work or have something I need to do.  I'm fed up with the rain here and can't wait to see the sun.  I'm thinking next month while I'm in Vegas I'll see it.  My toes have developed some new calamity, whether from being crammed into shoes all day every day or from the fact that I work on my feet now.  I'm not sure if it's a fungus or just bruising.  The walk in clinic doc thinks it's just bruising from my shoes and I haven't talked myself into spending $300 to go and see a podiatrist.  I miss my flip-flops. :(

Sasha's been a good sport about everything.  Not sure what I would do if I didn't have her here.  It always seems like taking care of something/someone else helps keep your mind off things. 

So anywho, I'm getting more hours at work, sleeping in all the time and just counting down the days 'til Vegas.  I hope everyone out there is well. :)

Ha Ha Ha

So I'm still up because I slept in til about 1pm today and I don't feel like closing my eyes.  I figured I would look back over parts of my blog and I came to realize that I contradict myself a few times. 

I didn't get an Oregon DL or tags.  I just couldn't do it.  Have you ever made a decision in your head that your body really really doesn't like?  Your pulse races, you get irritable....something just doesn't seem right?  I don't know if that's what they consider a 6th sense or not but I get it from time to time whether it's making those types of decisions or if I'm looking at furniture on craigslist.  To be honest, I had that feeling the day I decided to ride my motorcycle to my parent's house and looked how that turned out.  I didn't listen to my intuition. 

So anyway....before I got on that tangent.... I had written in December that I was going to take life only a few days at a time.  But somewhere along the lines, that changed.  I mean really, we have to plan stuff.  At least some stuff.  And I don't want to live in Eugene forever working at Macy's.  Some days I feel torn because I want to be here.  But want to be in Florida too.  And I know that once I get back to Panama City I'm going to ache to be back up here.  In a perfect world, I would live up here May - October and in Panama City Nov - April, lol.  I just have to figure out how to make that work.  Hmmmmm.....

The truth is, my wants and feelings change often.  So the plan changes.  I still want to go back home.  I would like to go back to school and I'm sure the U of O isn't cheap.  Plus I miss the beach.  And friends and family.  Ugh!!  Why did I have to fall in love with this place?!?!

No matter what I do, I'm going to miss people and places.  :(

Snow!!

Cloning

If only I could be in two places at once....

Life is a Teacher

I have the best family anyone could ever ask for.  My parents kept me in line when I was a child.  They parented.  Which may sound like common sense to most people, but today all you have to do is look around to see how many parents 'friend' their kids instead.  They didn't become my friends until I grew up and moved out.  And maybe that's why the respect and love I have for them was the reason I never wanted to leave.  Could have been because I was scared.  Afraid of the unknown.  But over the last few days, I've come to realize something important....at least to me.

I only have one family.  And I love my family.  And even though they live in a town with not much to offer, they are there.  Jobs, friends, experiences.  Those come and go.  But I'll only ever have one family.

I've decided that I'm moving back to Panama City in June.  My roommates here are planning a Memorial Day trip to Shasta Lake and I'm pretty sure that will be my last hurrah here on the west coast.  I'm going to be an aunt in July.  I didn't quite know what to think at first, but I've decided I want to be there. 

I've also decided to go back to school.  I'm thinking Elem. Education even though I get the feeling that a few people don't think that I'm willing to put in the work or that I don't realize how hard teaching might be.  But since I feel like I should have gone for a teaching degree in the first place instead of a Communication degree, I'm willing to put forth the effort.  Besides, I'm an almost 32 year old country wide traveler.  Not an 18 year-old, fresh out of high school.

I'm sure everyone will have an opinion on my decision to go back.  But you know what they say about opinions.....I just want to be happy and I know that being there with/for my sister as she goes through that life changing event and being able to spend time with my parents is what's important to me now. 

I'm going to leave you tonight with a poster that I have hanging on my wall right now.  I'm confident that everything will work out. :)