Randomness

Brandon and I are trying to have a baby.  For the last, almost, 3 years.  I'm old.  Or will be next week.  All the years I was on birth control and this is what I have to show for it.  I'm married too.  1st anniversary is coming up soon.  I'm going to have to go expensive for kids.  IVF.  Looking back at the last twenty years.....holy shit.  Redoing it wouldn't put me where I am today.  But would I have gotten married sooner?  Or had babies sooner?  There are definitely a few giant glaring mistakes I wouldn't make again.  You.  The biggest one.  

I'm going to start blogging again.  More than likely about my IVF trials and tribulations.  Maybe the next few cycles of Clomid will work though, I guess we'll see.  

Other than this one thing.  I'm happy.  He makes me happy.  

So strap in if you want more of me and my struggles.  Maybe it will make you feel better.  

-K

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Let's just get this out of the way........

LIFE ISN'T FAIR.

I'm not an idiot, I know it shouldn't be.  Life is random.  We as people, are random.  Sperm and egg meet up and 'poof'. Who you're born to, where you're born, your ethnicity, your geographical location. Everything....All chaotically random.

I know that I haven't lived a very hard life.  I have a ton to be thankful for.  But this one thing.....the thing that it is always on my mind.  Constantly eating at me.  Slowly and methodically driving the smallest of wedges between my husband and I.  

This thing that I've always felt born to do.  This thing that I never in a million years would have thought would be so hard.  This thing that sooooooo many people take for granted.  Or waste.  Throwing it away. 

I'm being vague.  For now it's a coping mechanism.  Not speaking it allowed.  Not giving it a name or power, even though it holds so much.  And even then, those close will know what I'm talking about.

All I can think about is giving up.  And yet, it's the last thing I want to do.